Thoughts on Life and Death

I found out last night that a classmate from my year in China took her life. Five months ago another classmate from my high school graduating class did the same. It is difficult to find words in such situations. First one is shocked, on autopilot, hungry for any and all details, as though more facts could offer some sort of answer as to why their desperation mounted to such a horrific state. Then a phase of disbelief, while incomprehension sets in. Then sorrow and compassion, for both those that they left behind, and the women themselves in their last moments.

I have wondered repeatedly: What were their last thoughts? Were they even thinking, or was the pain so enormous that it muted the voices in their heads and only action remained? How long they must have felt their sorrow, to forget the shining moments of joy and love, to forget that everything will pass in its own time. And what pressure were they feeling that made them feel so hopeless, so trapped?
And then what must their parents be going through, their partners, their close friends? How do they speak with one another after hearing the news? How do they comprehend the reality of their loss?

Both were brilliant.
Emma I met when I was just a toddler. I have a video of her in a striped dress at my 3rd birthday, but didn't reunite until we found ourselves in the same class in 9th grade. This past fall she was finishing a book she had been working on collaboratively with a friend. It was based on a year of traveling the country, filled with interviews of various women about their takes on modern feminism. I remember that she wore dark red lipstick and fishnet stockings in high school. She was in an anti-smoking commercial and shared a cigarette with the director during a production break. She spent a year in India in college. She was passionate and clever, overflowing with life, and still decided to end it in Venice where she was doing an internship at the Guggenheim.
Amy I did not know as well. We spent 11th grade exploring China in the same group of 60 students, all trying to define ourselves while immersing in a starkly different culture. I remember her as inseparable from her friends, sarcastic, and a highly dedicated student. In newsletters I was impressed but not surprised to learn that she was pursuing a PhD in Neuroscience.

Looking at both these groups I may have wondered who would be the first to go, but if I did it was only as a fleeting thought, a possibility to put off for the far future. I certainly did not think it would be under these circumstances.

I hope that their family and friends continue to find joy in their own lives, that they find a way to use their grief to propel themselves to live fully, pause, breathe, and feel gratitude for their own abilities to experience every moment.

It is incredible to me how far-reaching each individual's influence really is. Neither of these women played any significant role in my life for the past 6 years, we did not put forth any effort to keep in touch, and still I have cried for them, and feel their loss tremendously. My thoughts have often turned to Emma, and surely will turn to Amy frequently also. This impact reminds me of how fragile we all are, how breakable -even, and perhaps especially, those of us who appear strongest. It is incredibly humbling, and a great inspiration also to give as much compassion as one is capable of giving, as we all experience moments of desperation.
I am grateful to both Emma and Amy for jolting me into a great appreciation of my own life, and that I have the capability to find what makes me happy and leave situations that don't. I am further inspired to listen and stay present with every being that presents themselves in my life, in the slight chance that perhaps loving attention can influence them in some positive way. While some things cannot be changed, perhaps by increasing these things within ourselves we can help others heal, even just momentarily.

May these two be remembered for their passion, their sense of adventure, their dedication, and their strengths, and may we remember as often as possible to be grateful for the little things, for they have the potential to be the biggest of all.

Namaste

3 more weeks til the unknown

I realized I haven't written nearly as frequently as I thought I had, but I think that's good proof that computers no longer rule my world. Life is fantastic, and while the information is overflowing and I have little room to spare for flashcards at the moment, the experience of being with these wonderful people in this beautiful place is a great thing, for lack of other words. In fact, I'm happy without many words, a skill I'm learning by living with 12 other individuals. So I'll let my pictures do the talking. You have 3 weeks left to reach me at the landline number, and I would love to hear from you!
peace love and light
K

ps, a list of recommended readings and other media is coming up :)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2146825&id=6901865&l=31325b6bab
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2146823&id=6901865&l=c0c93b239d

Interesting link: How Plants Protect Us From Disease: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090419202029.htm#

Newer pictures: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2143948&id=6901865&l=37e68094e8

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2143935&id=6901865&l=e6a61ebb71


May 2, 2009
Life on the pharm is officially more than half-way over, and not too soon. Despite the gloriousness of all the things I'm learning and experiencing, this house is very small and there are 13 of us in it, resulting in a situation where having 5 people in the main living space feels empty. A day alone is impossible unless you go outside, when after working outside all week it seems preferable to cuddle on a couch with a nice cup of tea.
But my complaints are lessoned when I think of how wonderful the people I'm surrounded by really are. When does it happen that you live in such tight quarters with so many people and nobody gets on each other's nerves sufficiently enough to cause real discord? Still, a little breathing room, and maybe variation, would be nice. The farm crew offers some balance and proverbial spice, I suppose, but even with them adding variations to our daily interactions, I'll be ready for the next whenI leave.

As for the next, I've been contemplating going back to school afterall, for either naturopathic medicine or midwifrey, but the pre-requisites are hefty and I am regretting my decision not to take science classes in college. We'll see if I even get to that point. I'm trying to follow whatever hunches make me happy, but I'm not positive what those might be as different ideas make me happy every hour. Maybe I'll just find myself a little country home and get some chickens and make soaps and pots and teach yoga as previously planned...

I'm sorry I still have no real tips to contribute to this page. I am floating along and trying to absorb and learning in ways that aren't evident to me right now. If you want to know about herbal alternatives for something I would love to look it up, as I absorb information best by using it! Also, leaving feedback on here is appreciated so I know who's reading it!

I'm done rambling for today. Much love to all!